I am imperfect...I have a therapist

I saw four different therapists as a teenager. After having two children, and 17 years of no therapy, I headed back…but, not intentionally. During my 17 years off, I really pulled my sh*t together! I have a loving spouse, two healthy boys, a home that I love so, what the hell could be wrong now? The short answer is, A LOT.

Having children is one of life’s greatest gifts and trials. I went on Lexapro prescribed by my OBGYN when Jack was six months old. I found myself sitting in my car inside the garage for 10-15 minutes crying before I could convince myself Jack would not die in the care of someone other than me and that it was ok to go out for an hour. Enter Casey three years later, and I decided that I wasn’t discharging from the hospital without Lexapro following my delivery (under my Physician’s guidance). All good and I’m coasting…or so it seemed. Once Casey was six months, Jack went into a state of regression with OCD tendencies. I began seeing a therapist for Jack (so I thought). Well, that was one visit with him and all of the rest of the visits became about me. You see, I had an inner battle raging. Despite what I preach about putting mental health above all else, I STILL had this stigma in the back of my mind. I didn’t think I really needed to be there for me because I’m everyone else’s glue, helping keep it ALL together. I thought as long as my head was above water (barely), I was capable of figuring it all out. Turns out, I still have a lot of sh*t I need to work through. Life isn’t perfect, no matter what it looks like from the outside.

I’ve been seeing my therapist for almost a year now and I am developing amazing tools to cope with every day situations that use to completely overwhelm me; I go into “fight-or-flight” mode less and less. I am still taking Lexapro but have lowered the dose, I traded in the Xanax for medicinal cannabis, and have had some BIG time breakthroughs concerning my childhood trauma. I also learned that I don’t have depression and/or anxiety; it’s PTSD combined with the totally normal test of endurance that is, being a parent. Through our work together, my therapist shared this study with me about how a female’s brain goes into a state of hyper-vigilance for at least two years after giving birth. BOOM. Mind = blown.

I think therapy is one of the absolute best gifts you can give yourself even if you already have a lot to be grateful. Any form of self-care is important (working out, massages, facials, just being alone in silence for 10 minutes, etc) but therapy is the foundation; without a foundation you risk eventual crumble. Find YOUR doctor, make the appointment, and you will have ZERO regrets, I promise. What are you waiting for?

Dr. Soliman, if you’re reading this, thank you for ALL you’ve given me. You’re worth your weight in solid gold, baby!

XO -Heidi

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